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Subject: Your Kids Will Love You

(would someone really need whatever they had to get their kids to love me?)

Insomnia and Paranoia work hand in hand to keep me awake...

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire. | Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

A funny thing to do is, if youíre out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him youíre going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about whoís going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. Thatís why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. | Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

If Alien was my friend, Iíd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien | Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

..Itís fascinating to think that all around us thereís an invisible world we canít even see. Iím speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons. | Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, letís say youíre an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say heís not Dracula, but you just say, Think again, bat man. | Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. Oh, no, I said. Disneyland burned down. He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. | Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey